“The Onion” Gets it Way Too Right on Bush

by Paul Hogarth, 2007-01-11

On the eve of President Bush’s delusional escalation of the Iraq War, the Onion printed a special issue commemorating The Decider’s first six years in office. The issue re-published various articles lampooning the President that had appeared in the Onion over the years. There were headlines such as “Voice of God Revealed to Be Cheney on Intercom” (first published in December 2005), “Bush Urges Iraqis to Pass Amendment Banning Gay Marriage” (first published in March 2004) and “Bush’s Approval Rating of Other Americans At All-Time Low” (first published in September 2005.) But it was the Onion’s oldest article – from January 17, 2001 and published right before Bush took office – that most effectively illustrates how he has become without exaggeration the worst President we have ever had. This one satirical piece predicted how miserable the Bush Administration was going to be – and over the past six years it has proven to be shockingly accurate.

“Our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is over,” said Bush in the Onion, as he vowed to “undo the damage wrought by Clinton’s two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street.” While many of us were horrified at the Bush-Cheney Administration when they swept into power six years ago, it’s fair to say that they’ve been worse than any of us had feared in our worst nightmares. Ignoring the fact that they came into office by questionable means, Bush and Cheney began acting as if they had an enormous mandate to sell off our entire country to the highest bidder.

But it was the Onion’s predictions about Bush’s legacy as a “War President” that proved to be the most prescient. “Bush promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation,” said the Onion, “assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.” So far, Bush has led us into two armed conflicts with disastrous results – Iraq and Afghanistan – and many of us could only wish that they were only “Gulf War-level.” We’ve brought on a civil war in Iraq, and Osama bin Laden is still on the loose in Afghanistan – five years later.

“You better believe we’re going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration,” said Bush in the Onion, “who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending.” Their military budget prediction was only a slight exaggeration. Since Bush came into office, the U.S. military budget has more than doubled – from about $288 billion in 2000 to $576 billion today. With Bush scheduled to address the nation about his plan to send even more troops to Iraq, the military budget will likely increase further – unless Democrats flat-out refuse to fund the escalation.

“On the economic side,” said the Onion, “Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further.” Bush did implement massive tax cuts for the wealthy that caused economic stagnation. The only thing the Onion got wrong here is that he did not raise taxes – which has escalated our national debt from $5.6 trillion to $8.5 trillion.

“John Ashcroft,” said Bush in the Onion, “will be invaluable in healing the terrible wedge President Clinton drove between church and state.” Beginning with his “faith-based” initiatives and his holy crusade against gay marriage, George Bush truly has governed our country as if it were a theocracy. John Ashcroft may have left the Attorney General’s Office, but the Bush-Cheney Administration continues to bridge the gap between church and state every day.

It’s hard to believe that the Onion wrote this article back in January 2001 – before September 11th, before the War in Iraq, and before Hurricane Katrina. We were afraid of how bad Bush was going to be as President, but the rationale I heard from a lot of people at the time was, “at least we knew how to survive Reagan.” Unfortunately, Bush’s legacy since coming into office never ceases to disappoint. He has wreaked enormous damage that it will take decades – if not generations – to undo.

Will our long national nightmare be over now that the Democrats control Congress? Or do we have to wait another two years before we restore some sanity in our government? Either way, we’re in a strange new world after eight years of George W. Bush.

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